First Time Mum; What the F**k has happened to my life?


Dear First time Mum,
I know what has happened to your life.

You have grown a little person inside of you- pretty unbelievably incredible. From the minute you started growing them you made sacrifices. They consumed all your energy and the past year or more has been the most tired you’ve ever felt.
You’re so tired you don’t know whether you’re coming or going- you’ve gone from not being tied down to having a person completely dependent on you for their every need. The things you thought were going to happen probably didn’t and the things you never even considered became part of your everyday life.
You’ve put every ounce of your energy into growing and keeping this little person safe. Every ounce of love to protect them. Every ounce of knowledge into caring for them.
You’ve felt like you’ve had no f’in clue what you’re doing and so many people telling you things you ‘should’ be doing. You’ve tried things and they didn’t work. You’ve cried. You’ve laughed. You’ve smiled. You’ve loved like you’ve never loved before.
You’ve lost yourself and who you were amongst the chaos of this massive lifestyle change and your body will never be the same as before. Emotions, hormones and it’s shape.

Some days you don’t think you can cope, you just want to run away but then you feel guilty for even thinking this- how could you ever leave this amazing being that you created!
Some days you just lock yourself away because it’s just easier- it’s easier to be at home where it doesn’t matter if your little one cries, if either of you spend all day in your pyjamas, where you have all your stuff to hand.
But before you know it you’ve shut the world out and you feel lonely. Loneliness like you’ve never known. Your phone is your lifeline but you just don’t get chance to reply to the messages, the notifications get too much and you’re tired.
You need your friends but how the hell do you fit all this in?

You think ‘what the fuck has happened to my life’?

How do I know all this? I’ve been there too. Twice.
So has every other mum I’ve ever spoken to. It’s completely normal to feel like this. But no-one tells you about this do they? I think people must forget the ‘mum feels’ as their kids grow, and hindsight is a wonderful thing- but as I say very inaccurate and not very helpful.

You are normal. This is normal.

Your body, your mind and your emotions have been thrown onto a rollercoaster and set off at 200mph.
You don’t have to have postnatal depression to feel like crap. You don’t have to have postnatal anxiety to feel like crap.
Sometimes our emotions are too much for us, the ‘mum feels’ are too much for us.

Speak out about your ‘mum feels’ – it really does help to talk, and when you hear other people feel the same it’s massively reassuring.
Ask for help if you need it- even if it’s just for someone to come round and make you a brew.
If your friends are Mums, they’ll understand- they will totally get it. If they don’t get it, they’re not your mates.
I know it doesn’t feel like you can right now but you really NEED to make some time for yourself- it’s really important! If you don’t look after yourself you can’t look after anyone else- your mind won’t let you.

If you’re feeling lost at the moment, get your map right here. I’m ready to catch you as you fall. I’m ready to push you back up onto your feet and shout go, you’ve got this!


Feeling like a failure

You know them days when you feel like hibernating and never seeing anyone ever again?!

So, this morning I woke up and I automatically felt like a failure.

My alarm went off at 5.55 ready for me to go to the gym. I was aching from my gym session last night, absolutely worn out and felt pretty crappy about myself. So I didn’t go. I totally papped it. My insecurities are screaming at me that I’m crap at the gym stuff, I’m still lifting the lightest weights yet everyone else is progressing. Everyone one else is hitting their targets and I’m just coasting along. (Story of my life). They’re asking me why I’m even going when I’m stuffing my face with biscuits… I have actually cut down so screw you insecurities !!!!

After a quiet live feed last night, my insecurities are shouting I’m rubbish at them too. That I’m boring and just talk rubbish.
They’re asking me why I bother doing that too. No-one wants to sit and watch me waffle on.

They’re telling me that despite my page gathering momentum it’s rubbish. That I’m never going to get ‘noticed’ and I’ll never achieve my goals.

Then I’ve spent the whole day out with my sister and my babies at the zoo. We’ve had a great day, despite Bunny waking up just as we got stuck in a huge traffic jam 15 minutes away from the zoo and screaming to the point she made herself throw up. Despite the fact we had to queue in the freezing cold for half an hour to get in. Despite the fact it was freezing and kept trying to rain and we’d taken a picnic dinner. Despite the fact people seem to be so rude and inconsiderate.
We laughed, we had a pretty chilled day all things considered and the Wildcat said she had a great time.

And them insecurities didn’t get me down once.

Sometimes your insecurities are just that way out. You can’t let them limit you or define you.
You have tell them where to go and power through regardless. We all have bad days, adults and kids, and that’s ok. If you need support to get through them speak up and tell people, if you want to power through on your own then do it.

Whatever you do, don’t quit, don’t give up. You’re worth more than them insecurities.

You got this!