It suddenly dawned on me

Today I lay on the rug with Bunny whilst she was drinking her milk. And I just happened to notice her hands holding her bottle.

How big they’ve got.

Chubby, squishy toddler hands. No longer delicate, little baby hands.

This week I’ve really noticed things she’s picking up on and is pointing out. Like at school pick up the other day, we were early so went to sit on the bench in the playground. She pointed over to where we normally wait and said “Sis”.
Tonight at bedtime she finished her milk, passed me her bottle and said “Na’night”.
How she regularly answers yes or no.

On the way home from school today we stopped off at the park. The Wildcat unexpectedly saw her school friend. They ran upto each other and hugged like teenagers do!
At home, she was showing my her uber wobbly tooth. (Which completely cringes me out by the way!)

And it suddenly dawned on me, how did we get to this point?
Chubby, toddler hands, an understanding of the world and a growing independence.
School uniform, wobbly teeth and friendships she’s formed all by herself.

Independence.

I have no idea how we’ve got to this point but we have.

10 years and heading forward

10 years ago I was 19. I went out drinking and dancing on a weekend. During the week I went to work. I argued with my boyfriend. I made up with my boyfriend. I went on my first girlie holiday with my friends. I was young and free.

9 years ago I’d just bought my first house and would be about to go through my worst break up with the person I thought I’d marry.

8 years ago I was falling in love with the man I’d marry.

7 years ago I didn’t know yet but there was a baby growing inside of me who was about to change my life forever.

6 years ago I was a brand new Mama. Wondering if I was doing it ‘right’.

5 years ago I was Mama. Learning how to juggle the realities of family life.

4 years ago my anxiety was beginning to take its toll and I began to recognise that it was becoming an issue.

3 years ago I was wedding planning. Invites were very soon to be given out and the stress of a wedding would kick in.

2 years ago I was newly married and struggling. I was desperate for another baby but each month mother nature appeared. Very soon she’d give up and give in to my demands! School was looming for our eldest daughter.

1 year ago I had just become a Mama of two. Learning how to divide my attention and juggle school runs and sleepless nights.

Now.
I’m about to turn 30. I’m married with two children. Two girls. My first house is filled with toys, noise and we have outgrown it. My heart is filled with love and my head is filled with worries. I have a handful of friends who I can call on when I need support. Nights out are rare. I talk about my experiences of parenting to help other parents, to support them and to let them know that they’re not alone.
I struggle daily with anxiety.

So much has changed in 10 years time.
This year I want to stop the clock. I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to go forward either. I just want to sit right here in my twenties.
Obviously going forward is inevitable.
Life has many twists and turns and you never know where your path will lead you. People may join you on your path or simply be crossing it.
But you can’t turn back, you can only head forward.

 

Saying goodbye to today

Every day I watch my children getting a day older.
I watch them growing, without realising they are growing… until that piece of clothing becomes too small. That outfit doesn’t fit. I hear “Mama my shoes are hurting”.

Then it hits me- BAM.

As I’m tidying their rooms and finding discarded toys that they’ve now grown out of. When the baby is getting her sister’s hand me downs and I can’t comprehend that they were last used over 5 years ago. 5 years!!!

Then it hits me- BAM.

As I walk into my eldest’s room whilst she’s sleeping and look around. I see Barbie’s, Monster High, Perfume, Roald Dahl books, real writing not squiggles. I see her fast asleep in a high sleeper bed. I see her school uniform ready for the next day.

Then it hits me- BAM.

When I look at that school uniform and think how it wont be long before she’s heading into year 2. YEAR 2! How her first day at school is long gone and the school run is the norm.

Then it hits me-BAM.

When that baby photo pops up on timehop. I start to reminisce and think of times gone by. Memories that I still feel too young to have as distant memories. Memories of a baby that are blurring with her baby sister’s memories. Memories that don’t feel like they happened six years ago. I look at pictures where at the time my eldest looked so grown up, but now she looks so young. Pictures where I was pregnant with the youngest before anyone knew. Pictures of me heavily pregnant with the youngest. Now she’s one and not even really a baby anymore.

Then it hits me- BAM.

Christmases, birthdays, Easters, holidays… Pretty much any celebration we’ve had.

Giggles are turning into laughter. Crawling is turning into walking and climbing. Words that have turned into sentences and stories. Nursery rhymes that have turned into chart songs and dance moves.
Each BAM is like I’ve been electrocuted. Volts running through my body. My heart. I feel a twist in my stomach and an ache of longing for time to just slow down.

So many days I’m just waiting for bedtime. I’m tired, I want a break and the pressure from every day is immense. But each day that I’m waiting and counting down the hours, I’m wishing time away that in a few weeks I want back. There has never been a truer quote than ‘the days are long, but the years are short’.

I think about my own childhood memories and where I was 10 years ago, 15 years ago. It makes me feel funny because although I don’t want to go back there, I can’t quite believe that time has passed so quickly. I think about old school friends and how my own daughter is making these memories of her own right now. I think about my parents and how they must feel to have grown up children and now grandchildren. I wonder if they feel the same as I do about time.
I think back to meeting my husband and how we spent our time before we had the girls. Our wedding day and each significant moment we’ve created together.

I find myself looking at my eldest daughter more and more and whilst my heart swells with pride, it also feels like someone’s squeezing it until its about to burst. I look at my youngest and see that fluffy haired baby morphing into her sister. I see me and my husband getting older. My parents and grandparents. Our friends.
Television programmes from when I was a teenager that are now played as the old shows- how I remember watching different old shows that are pretty much nonexistent now! Old songs that me and my friends hung out to, made mix tapes of, danced to at the Friday night disco. Changes in technology, phones, home décor.

Then I’ll hear a little voice or feel a little hand that will bring me back to the present and I remember that despite not wanting to say goodbye to today we still have lots more memories to make.

 

You are ENOUGH Mama

You, Mama, are enough.

You may not feel like it- especially on the bad days. You may feel like you’re just getting by. Some days you might feel like you’re just simply surviving.
But why did you think that that is not enough?

You are enough.
Why do the winning days where you feel you’ve accomplished E V E R Y T H I N G have to be the enough days?
These should be the days where you’re amazed at all you’ve managed to do.

You are enough.

When did it get to this point? When did it get to us not being enough?
When did it get to us having to spin E V E R Y plate going to be enough?

Enough is getting out of bed in the morning. Enough is feeding your kids, and caring for them- meeting their basic needs. Enough is loving them. Enough is making the sacrifices for your kids that you do, that you don’t even think about, every single day. Enough is tucking them in at night after counting down the minutes to bedtime, then wanting to give them one more cuddle. Enough is wanting the best for them. Enough is losing your shit and then feeling guilty.

You are enough.

So when you look at ALL them other Mama’s who have got their shit together and are being all awesome, they are looking back at you and thinking exactly the same thing.
The only difference is we all have different shit going on a different times.

We N E E D to change the way we think. We need to loosen the pressure of ‘enough’ and focus on what it really means.
Where does this pressure stem from? …

J U D G E M E N T

We’re so frightened of not being E N O U G H and being judged for it that we’ve forgotten what enough means. We’re so frightened of not being G O O D enough and being judged for it that we’ve lost sight of what good enough is.
We’re SO frightened of doing it W R O N G that we try T O O hard to get it right.

Enough IS enough. Fact.

Who’s with me?

 

Feeling like a failure

You know them days when you feel like hibernating and never seeing anyone ever again?!

So, this morning I woke up and I automatically felt like a failure.

My alarm went off at 5.55 ready for me to go to the gym. I was aching from my gym session last night, absolutely worn out and felt pretty crappy about myself. So I didn’t go. I totally papped it. My insecurities are screaming at me that I’m crap at the gym stuff, I’m still lifting the lightest weights yet everyone else is progressing. Everyone one else is hitting their targets and I’m just coasting along. (Story of my life). They’re asking me why I’m even going when I’m stuffing my face with biscuits… I have actually cut down so screw you insecurities !!!!

After a quiet live feed last night, my insecurities are shouting I’m rubbish at them too. That I’m boring and just talk rubbish.
They’re asking me why I bother doing that too. No-one wants to sit and watch me waffle on.

They’re telling me that despite my page gathering momentum it’s rubbish. That I’m never going to get ‘noticed’ and I’ll never achieve my goals.

Then I’ve spent the whole day out with my sister and my babies at the zoo. We’ve had a great day, despite Bunny waking up just as we got stuck in a huge traffic jam 15 minutes away from the zoo and screaming to the point she made herself throw up. Despite the fact we had to queue in the freezing cold for half an hour to get in. Despite the fact it was freezing and kept trying to rain and we’d taken a picnic dinner. Despite the fact people seem to be so rude and inconsiderate.
We laughed, we had a pretty chilled day all things considered and the Wildcat said she had a great time.

And them insecurities didn’t get me down once.

Sometimes your insecurities are just that way out. You can’t let them limit you or define you.
You have tell them where to go and power through regardless. We all have bad days, adults and kids, and that’s ok. If you need support to get through them speak up and tell people, if you want to power through on your own then do it.

Whatever you do, don’t quit, don’t give up. You’re worth more than them insecurities.

You got this!

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