To my girls

Girls,

First of all I want you to know that you have been the making of me. You’ve given my life meaning, purpose and you have given me a strength like no other.
If you become Mama’s yourselves one day you will understand that strength.

In my posts I make no secret of the fact that I find it hard, parenting… parenting you two. I use the terminology that is common today- I lose my shit… I have parenting fails… I swear.
But this is never a reflection of who you two are. This is a reflection of our lack of support and the lack of help that I receive. It is also a completely natural feeling for parents.

You two are so hard to parent because you have such strong personalities. You fight against every boundary I set. You question me and challenge the things I say. You explore your surroundings, you’re inquisitive and you’re minds are like sponges soaking up information. You know your own minds and rarely conform.
And whilst I often say you wear me out, that I’m tired and drained, that you take all my energy, I never complain about who you are.
This is because you are everything I ever hoped you would be and whilst you are extremely hard to parent now, whilst you’re small, you are going to be amazingly strong, smart women.
Whilst you are incredibly hard to parent now, I NEVER want to change who you are and your personalities because you are everything I ever hoped you would be.

I shout, I lose my shit and sometimes I just want you to go to bed because I’m trying so hard to show you the way, to fight you so I can set those boundaries that you have to learn whilst supporting your strength and your individuality. I’m trying my hardest to answer all your questions whilst juggling everything else and remembering everything I have to do.

I want you to always know that whilst I post about the hardships of my parenting journey, those hardships are only because of the way I’M raising you. They are only because I am encouraging you to challenge the world and to not conform. To not be led by others but to lead the way yourself.
They are also because I am your main role model. And I try to be all of those things too, but you both outshine me on every level and that is exactly what I’m proud of.

Parenting you two will never be easy, but it will always be a million times over worth it.

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10 years and heading forward

10 years ago I was 19. I went out drinking and dancing on a weekend. During the week I went to work. I argued with my boyfriend. I made up with my boyfriend. I went on my first girlie holiday with my friends. I was young and free.

9 years ago I’d just bought my first house and would be about to go through my worst break up with the person I thought I’d marry.

8 years ago I was falling in love with the man I’d marry.

7 years ago I didn’t know yet but there was a baby growing inside of me who was about to change my life forever.

6 years ago I was a brand new Mama. Wondering if I was doing it ‘right’.

5 years ago I was Mama. Learning how to juggle the realities of family life.

4 years ago my anxiety was beginning to take its toll and I began to recognise that it was becoming an issue.

3 years ago I was wedding planning. Invites were very soon to be given out and the stress of a wedding would kick in.

2 years ago I was newly married and struggling. I was desperate for another baby but each month mother nature appeared. Very soon she’d give up and give in to my demands! School was looming for our eldest daughter.

1 year ago I had just become a Mama of two. Learning how to divide my attention and juggle school runs and sleepless nights.

Now.
I’m about to turn 30. I’m married with two children. Two girls. My first house is filled with toys, noise and we have outgrown it. My heart is filled with love and my head is filled with worries. I have a handful of friends who I can call on when I need support. Nights out are rare. I talk about my experiences of parenting to help other parents, to support them and to let them know that they’re not alone.
I struggle daily with anxiety.

So much has changed in 10 years time.
This year I want to stop the clock. I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to go forward either. I just want to sit right here in my twenties.
Obviously going forward is inevitable.
Life has many twists and turns and you never know where your path will lead you. People may join you on your path or simply be crossing it.
But you can’t turn back, you can only head forward.

 

Feeling like a failure

You know them days when you feel like hibernating and never seeing anyone ever again?!

So, this morning I woke up and I automatically felt like a failure.

My alarm went off at 5.55 ready for me to go to the gym. I was aching from my gym session last night, absolutely worn out and felt pretty crappy about myself. So I didn’t go. I totally papped it. My insecurities are screaming at me that I’m crap at the gym stuff, I’m still lifting the lightest weights yet everyone else is progressing. Everyone one else is hitting their targets and I’m just coasting along. (Story of my life). They’re asking me why I’m even going when I’m stuffing my face with biscuits… I have actually cut down so screw you insecurities !!!!

After a quiet live feed last night, my insecurities are shouting I’m rubbish at them too. That I’m boring and just talk rubbish.
They’re asking me why I bother doing that too. No-one wants to sit and watch me waffle on.

They’re telling me that despite my page gathering momentum it’s rubbish. That I’m never going to get ‘noticed’ and I’ll never achieve my goals.

Then I’ve spent the whole day out with my sister and my babies at the zoo. We’ve had a great day, despite Bunny waking up just as we got stuck in a huge traffic jam 15 minutes away from the zoo and screaming to the point she made herself throw up. Despite the fact we had to queue in the freezing cold for half an hour to get in. Despite the fact it was freezing and kept trying to rain and we’d taken a picnic dinner. Despite the fact people seem to be so rude and inconsiderate.
We laughed, we had a pretty chilled day all things considered and the Wildcat said she had a great time.

And them insecurities didn’t get me down once.

Sometimes your insecurities are just that way out. You can’t let them limit you or define you.
You have tell them where to go and power through regardless. We all have bad days, adults and kids, and that’s ok. If you need support to get through them speak up and tell people, if you want to power through on your own then do it.

Whatever you do, don’t quit, don’t give up. You’re worth more than them insecurities.

You got this!

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Never miss a chance to dance…

Over dinner, the neighbours will probably often hear me singing (or wailing is probably more apt) “Dinertimeeee because Bunny is hungryyy. She needs to eat it all up so that she’ll grow.” (Sung to the tune of summertime.)
If they look through our window they’ll often see me swinging one of the girls round on my hip, doing some ballroom type moves, wiggling and dancing or the Wildcat showing off her street dance moves.
We’re a very lively house in terms of music and dancing.

I never pass up an opportunity to dance so when Abi invited me and Bunny along to her first Sling Swing class at Lancaster I definitely didn’t refuse.

If you’re not sure what a Sling Swing class is, I wasn’t entirely sure either! I knew they were along the lines of dancing with your baby in a sling but that was about it. I’d seen the recent flurry of Facebook activity about these classes and that some were starting locally but with having a few other things going on and not having a sling myself I didn’t really look into it further.

I’ve been slightly apprehensive all week, not really knowing what to expect and if I’d fit in as I don’t own a sling, but this morning I was really excited. I love trying new things, especially with the girls and especially when it’s supporting local mums. I couldn’t wait to head there and find out more.

Upon arrival Abi (who had said she had spare slings for people who didn’t have their own to borrow) sorted me out with a sling and I got Bunny into ‘position’. Having just woken up from a short nap in the car and not used to being in a sling (although we have used one before) I think it took her a while to adjust. She is used to going to different places however and going to sleep in one place and waking up in another so she never bothers.

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Once everyone (it was a full class, there were loads of us!) was ready, Abi ran through the moves in the first song before leading us into it.

As soon as I heard Rhianna, I knew me and Bunny were going to LOVE it.

The moves are fairly straight forward- nothing too complicated- and Abi did a quick run through of them before starting each song… I don’t want to give too much away so I wont go into them but think of a gentle Zumba class with your baby in a sling.
There were a couple of different styles of dancing and a range of music (which I loved) and Abi was a great class leader.

We did a few different songs with a variety of moves before slowing it back down and finally stretching.
Bunny (as I knew she would) seemed to really enjoy it and by the end was reaching out to grab my face, shouting and (my favourite part) snuggling into me on the cool down.

At the end of the session, Abi explained that if we wanted to book you didn’t have to attend every week and that she would mark off how many of your sessions you’d attended (a fab idea I think). Also that you are able to attend the sessions in Lancaster or Kendal and are not restricted to one place.

I have to say, despite my initial nerves and apprehension, I absolutely loved it. Abi was lovely and welcoming. The other ladies (it was all females this week) were very friendly and I had a REALLY great time.
Bunny enjoyed it and anything that gets us out and about, socialising and experiencing new things is all great for her development.
It didn’t feel like I’d been exercising because we were dancing and although I felt warm afterwards it wasn’t too strenuous and it really didn’t matter if you got the moves wrong.

In fact I enjoyed it so much that I have just booked us a block of classes!

Like I said, I never miss a chance to dance… !!

If you want to find out more check out;
The Sling Swing website: http://slingswing.co.uk/
Local Ladies- Lancaster/South Lakes area: https://www.facebook.com/slingswinglancasterandsouthlakes/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the world Bunny

At 41 +2 I decided it was time to really go hard with the ‘get my baby out of here’ methods.
So as requested by my Facebook followers, I posted a video of a rather strenuous dance routine to Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s Push it. (I thought this was the most appropriate song choice!)

The following evening I woke at 2 am with contractions lasting 10 minutes apart…

They weren’t yet painful so I did my make up… yes, I was determined to be slightly more glamourous this time…, had something to eat and waited at home for a few more hours before heading to the Maternity unit 45 mins away.
The pain was starting to get pretty intense as we headed down the motorway and as we pulled up outside the hospital at around 7am, it was pretty much all systems go.

At 11.15am our little Bunny burst into the world, all 8lb 8oz of her and I have never been so relieved in my whole entire life!!!

We were home by 7.30 that evening and her extremely excited big sister was the first person to meet her.