My sparkle’s somewhere amongst the seabed

You know them days where the sun is out then all of a sudden the clouds come along and block the sun? Well that’s how I feel most of the time. But there’s always clouds with just a glimmer of sun here and there.

I still laugh, I still smile, I still feel ‘ok’ but I’m not actually ok.

My shoulders are tense because that’s where I hold the stress, tension, anxious thoughts and how I hide. Hunched up. But I don’t realise this until my shoulders ache.

I forget stuff ALL the time, I can’t concentrate very well and even when I think I know something my mind tells me I’m probably wrong and makes me doubt myself. So when you question what I’ve said, this is why I say I think so rather than yes. This is why I can’t make decisions- in case I make the wrong one- and why I ask questions that we both know I already know the answer to.

The headaches are becoming more and more frequent. The racing heart is back.

I need constant reassurance and I know that’s f’in annoying- it annoys me too- but I can’t help it. If I do something that’s good I literally have no idea unless someone tells me… and then I still think I’m shit.
I constantly think people don’t like me, that I’m a pain in the arse and annoying. I know I’m flaky and disorganised. If you don’t reply to me I think I’ve done something to upset you, but I don’t always have the energy to reply myself.

I constantly feel like I’m letting people down. I’m always busy because I’m not very good at getting stuff done. I forget, I get easily distracted or I just don’t have the energy.
I’m always stressed because that’s how my anxiety works. It makes me stress. It affects everyone differently and because I refuse- point blank- to let it stop me from doing stuff, instead it makes me stress about everything.

You know them arcade games where the things pop up and you have to smash them back down with a hammer? Well that’s what my anxiety’s like with any happy thoughts. Any excitement. SMASH.

I struggle to make eye contact with people I don’t know that well, I never know what to say. Sometimes I don’t even know what to say to people I do know… or I just chat pure shit and no-one can get a word in edgeways… then afterwards I think I’ve been rude and whoever I’ve been speaking to won’t want to speak to me again!

I think my husband will get sick of being married to a stressed, miserable cow. I’m ugly anyway, it’s only the kids keeping him here.
I annoy everyone else.

I am SO f’in tired.

I can’t cope with any sort of pressure. I am purely just surviving daily.

My mind is literally scrambled. Thoughts shooting out here, there and everywhere.
It’s not like this all the time, just quite a lot. Like waves, and they gradually pick up pace and a huge one washes over me before being back to just on the edge of the sea again. Calm is restored. Well as calm as it’s going to be. Everyone knows I can’t swim.
Sometimes I want to run away. But then I’ve never quit at anything in my life. That’s the only thing my anxiety can’t seem to squash. My determination. I’ve always been a stubborn bitch- I get it from my Dad, although I’m not quite in his league of stubbornness yet.

This isn’t attention seeking. This isn’t dramatizing. This is my life as I’m living it and I just want people to see.
Telling me not to panic and to calm down just makes me shut off. I don’t want to panic, I want to be calm but I can’t. My mind won’t allow it. It shows me you don’t get it and I feel even more alone than before.
I need someone to take control. To take over and not ask me questions. Just tell me what to do. To understand. To see behind the ‘I’m ok’ or ‘I’m just tired’. To see past the stress that isn’t really stress. To ask me how I am then not shrink away when I tell the truth or try and solve it for me, you can’t. To just come and get me. To just be there. Ask me what’s going on in my mind and talk me through it. I know it sounds stupid- I think so too- but sometimes I can’t move past that until I’ve analysed the thoughts. The ‘at least’s’ in a situation don’t help either. It makes me feel even shitter for dwelling on the bad in the first place. I know you don’t know what to say, you can’t make it better- I have to do that all by myself. I just need support, to know you’ve got me. Just see past the mask and tell me you know I’m not ok before I have to force myself to say it out loud. Unload some of the weight, carry it for me and walk along beside me. Please.

I’m drowning and I can’t swim. I won’t actually drown- I know this too- but my sparkle’s somewhere amongst the seabed and I can’t swim until I find it.