It suddenly dawned on me

Today I lay on the rug with Bunny whilst she was drinking her milk. And I just happened to notice her hands holding her bottle.

How big they’ve got.

Chubby, squishy toddler hands. No longer delicate, little baby hands.

This week I’ve really noticed things she’s picking up on and is pointing out. Like at school pick up the other day, we were early so went to sit on the bench in the playground. She pointed over to where we normally wait and said “Sis”.
Tonight at bedtime she finished her milk, passed me her bottle and said “Na’night”.
How she regularly answers yes or no.

On the way home from school today we stopped off at the park. The Wildcat unexpectedly saw her school friend. They ran upto each other and hugged like teenagers do!
At home, she was showing my her uber wobbly tooth. (Which completely cringes me out by the way!)

And it suddenly dawned on me, how did we get to this point?
Chubby, toddler hands, an understanding of the world and a growing independence.
School uniform, wobbly teeth and friendships she’s formed all by herself.


I have no idea how we’ve got to this point but we have.

One Mam and her Squad: Stacey’s Baby Forget Me Not’s Review


Once my little boy had grown out of his first baby grows and clothes, I couldn’t bear to put them away in a box. So I found a company on Facebook who use clothes to make lovely soft toys and blankets. I looked through the large collection of different animals that they make and chose a lion. I also opted for the large version-they have two size options. I then received an email with instructions of where to send my little ones clothes to.

Once I had sent them off and they had been received, I had email confirmation and an estimated turn around time of 8-10 weeks. This seems like a long time but if you see the items they make you will understand why. I couldn’t wait to see the finished lion!

Around 8 weeks later a large box arrived at my door and sitting inside was the most beautiful lion. He was so much bigger than I expected! I am absolutely over the moon with him, the quality and thought gone into the design is amazing. I love having those teeny tiny clothes on show! My little boy loves him but has been told to keep the drool away from him!

I would definitely recommend Baby Forget Me Not’s if you are wondering what to do with your little ones clothes. If you are unsure just take a look at their Facebook page and you will see the lovely items they have made. I would certainly use then again.

staceys lion 2      staceys lion



My sparkle’s somewhere amongst the seabed

You know them days where the sun is out then all of a sudden the clouds come along and block the sun? Well that’s how I feel most of the time. But there’s always clouds with just a glimmer of sun here and there.

I still laugh, I still smile, I still feel ‘ok’ but I’m not actually ok.

My shoulders are tense because that’s where I hold the stress, tension, anxious thoughts and how I hide. Hunched up. But I don’t realise this until my shoulders ache.

I forget stuff ALL the time, I can’t concentrate very well and even when I think I know something my mind tells me I’m probably wrong and makes me doubt myself. So when you question what I’ve said, this is why I say I think so rather than yes. This is why I can’t make decisions- in case I make the wrong one- and why I ask questions that we both know I already know the answer to.

The headaches are becoming more and more frequent. The racing heart is back.

I need constant reassurance and I know that’s f’in annoying- it annoys me too- but I can’t help it. If I do something that’s good I literally have no idea unless someone tells me… and then I still think I’m shit.
I constantly think people don’t like me, that I’m a pain in the arse and annoying. I know I’m flaky and disorganised. If you don’t reply to me I think I’ve done something to upset you, but I don’t always have the energy to reply myself.

I constantly feel like I’m letting people down. I’m always busy because I’m not very good at getting stuff done. I forget, I get easily distracted or I just don’t have the energy.
I’m always stressed because that’s how my anxiety works. It makes me stress. It affects everyone differently and because I refuse- point blank- to let it stop me from doing stuff, instead it makes me stress about everything.

You know them arcade games where the things pop up and you have to smash them back down with a hammer? Well that’s what my anxiety’s like with any happy thoughts. Any excitement. SMASH.

I struggle to make eye contact with people I don’t know that well, I never know what to say. Sometimes I don’t even know what to say to people I do know… or I just chat pure shit and no-one can get a word in edgeways… then afterwards I think I’ve been rude and whoever I’ve been speaking to won’t want to speak to me again!

I think my husband will get sick of being married to a stressed, miserable cow. I’m ugly anyway, it’s only the kids keeping him here.
I annoy everyone else.

I am SO f’in tired.

I can’t cope with any sort of pressure. I am purely just surviving daily.

My mind is literally scrambled. Thoughts shooting out here, there and everywhere.
It’s not like this all the time, just quite a lot. Like waves, and they gradually pick up pace and a huge one washes over me before being back to just on the edge of the sea again. Calm is restored. Well as calm as it’s going to be. Everyone knows I can’t swim.
Sometimes I want to run away. But then I’ve never quit at anything in my life. That’s the only thing my anxiety can’t seem to squash. My determination. I’ve always been a stubborn bitch- I get it from my Dad, although I’m not quite in his league of stubbornness yet.

This isn’t attention seeking. This isn’t dramatizing. This is my life as I’m living it and I just want people to see.
Telling me not to panic and to calm down just makes me shut off. I don’t want to panic, I want to be calm but I can’t. My mind won’t allow it. It shows me you don’t get it and I feel even more alone than before.
I need someone to take control. To take over and not ask me questions. Just tell me what to do. To understand. To see behind the ‘I’m ok’ or ‘I’m just tired’. To see past the stress that isn’t really stress. To ask me how I am then not shrink away when I tell the truth or try and solve it for me, you can’t. To just come and get me. To just be there. Ask me what’s going on in my mind and talk me through it. I know it sounds stupid- I think so too- but sometimes I can’t move past that until I’ve analysed the thoughts. The ‘at least’s’ in a situation don’t help either. It makes me feel even shitter for dwelling on the bad in the first place. I know you don’t know what to say, you can’t make it better- I have to do that all by myself. I just need support, to know you’ve got me. Just see past the mask and tell me you know I’m not ok before I have to force myself to say it out loud. Unload some of the weight, carry it for me and walk along beside me. Please.

I’m drowning and I can’t swim. I won’t actually drown- I know this too- but my sparkle’s somewhere amongst the seabed and I can’t swim until I find it.



10 years and heading forward

10 years ago I was 19. I went out drinking and dancing on a weekend. During the week I went to work. I argued with my boyfriend. I made up with my boyfriend. I went on my first girlie holiday with my friends. I was young and free.

9 years ago I’d just bought my first house and would be about to go through my worst break up with the person I thought I’d marry.

8 years ago I was falling in love with the man I’d marry.

7 years ago I didn’t know yet but there was a baby growing inside of me who was about to change my life forever.

6 years ago I was a brand new Mama. Wondering if I was doing it ‘right’.

5 years ago I was Mama. Learning how to juggle the realities of family life.

4 years ago my anxiety was beginning to take its toll and I began to recognise that it was becoming an issue.

3 years ago I was wedding planning. Invites were very soon to be given out and the stress of a wedding would kick in.

2 years ago I was newly married and struggling. I was desperate for another baby but each month mother nature appeared. Very soon she’d give up and give in to my demands! School was looming for our eldest daughter.

1 year ago I had just become a Mama of two. Learning how to divide my attention and juggle school runs and sleepless nights.

I’m about to turn 30. I’m married with two children. Two girls. My first house is filled with toys, noise and we have outgrown it. My heart is filled with love and my head is filled with worries. I have a handful of friends who I can call on when I need support. Nights out are rare. I talk about my experiences of parenting to help other parents, to support them and to let them know that they’re not alone.
I struggle daily with anxiety.

So much has changed in 10 years time.
This year I want to stop the clock. I don’t want to go back but I don’t want to go forward either. I just want to sit right here in my twenties.
Obviously going forward is inevitable.
Life has many twists and turns and you never know where your path will lead you. People may join you on your path or simply be crossing it.
But you can’t turn back, you can only head forward.


Baby Book Club

Baby book club is pretty much as awesome as it sounds!

A monthly subscription service from which you receive three hand chosen books a month for you and your baby to enjoy.
Seeing as Bunny (as most of you will know) is a hardcore book worm, reviewing March’s box was an opportunity I couldn’t refuse!

Everything was beautifully packaged, the box itself demonstrating that we weren’t going to be disappointed. The book’s were wrapped in tissue paper and bubble wrap with a little notecard welcoming us and explaining this month’s theme.
Bunny loves getting involved in opening … well anything… and this was no different.

March’s theme was Under the Sea and the books were fantastically colourful- something that instantly draws me to a book.
Bunny enjoyed exploring the books independently to begin with before she prompted me to join her and for us to read them together!
The books have since been read repeatedly (especially the ‘flip flap’ board book) and as the two picture books were suitable for a varied age range, the Wildcat was able to sit and enjoy story time too.

I absolutely love this idea as it’s not always easy to know what books to choose for your little one. I’m pretty savvy after working in a Nursery for a number of years but if you’re not up on your children’s stories it’s a pure minefield!!
The other thing I have to mention is the thought that has gone into the boxes, from the smallest details through to the theme and the products themselves.
You can immediately tell the care that has gone into choosing the books and piecing everything together. This is a top quality product which at £30 for a three month subscription is an absolute bargain.
There is even the option to give a subscription as a gift! How fantastic is that!!

Within this service there are so many little tips, quotes and ideas that also appear, you can’t not be enthusiastic about encouraging your little one to get stuck into a world of stories and discovering their imagination.

Checking out the website and the Facebook page is a must.


When the crowd say Bo Selecta

At high school my best friend was a MAJOR Craig David fan. I was a fan myself but not as die hard as she was.
And that is how I ended up at my first concert.
I can still remember it like it was yesterday, there were 4 of us… My friend, her mum, her cousin and me. And he did the standard leaving the best song until last… walking off stage as if it had finished without singing it! As the crowd hears Fill Me In start they go wild (us included) and he appears back on stage.

I bloody love that song.

I had a giant poster I got from outside the MEN on my bedroom wall for years.
I’ve always listened to his music, re-wind being one of my favourites- my eldest daughter(now 6) loves that one. I remember a couple of years ago hearing her sat in her bedroom singing “when the crowd say bo selectaaa” and feeling very proud.

So when he appeared back on the scene, I was pretty excited. Then I heard 16 and knew this wasn’t some half hearted re-launch like the old school bands are doing… he was back! And I was absolutely loving it. I’ve lost count of how many times I watched the Radio 1 live lounge with Big Narstie.
He is actually more awesome than I remember.
My husband and the girls bought me his album and Craig David was soon blasting out of my car again.

Then I heard he was going on tour…

Just before I turned 29 I decided I was going to make a bucket list for the last year of my 20’s (as some of you will know), so how awesome would it be to go and see the first person I ever saw in concert!

So that’s what I did…!

Luckily, fellow Mam Squad member Stacey is also a Craig David fan, so whilst Laura and Sam went to drool over Olly Murs, me and Stacey went for the garage scene! 1999 Original crew members.
Dressed in Timberland style boots, ripped at the knee jeans, black top teamed with hoops and a chunky chain, I dressed as just that- a garage crew member.

What can I say, he brought it. And as much as I can’t believe I’m saying this, it was better than Beyoncé!!
A hardcore mix of old and new, as he said bringing the two generations of fans together, as well as some bare tunes thrown in there. Justin Bieber, Destiny’s Child- the set was absolutely awesome.
It was like being at a rave (right up my street) and despite having seats, we didn’t sit down for the whole 2 hours he was on that stage.
Big Narstie was pretty epic with my ultimate highlight from him being some Oasis- we were in Manchester after all!

I’m literally getting goosebumps now just thinking about it, which may seem a little extreme but honestly the atmosphere was amazing!

You know when some things are ‘just meant to be’ … well as I’m nearing the end of my 20’s journey (something that I’m struggling to come to terms with), thank you Craig David for reminding me of my youth, letting me re-live it and reminding me that I’ll never be too old to re-wind when the crowd say Bo Selecta.


craig david