Saying goodbye to today

Every day I watch my children getting a day older.
I watch them growing, without realising they are growing… until that piece of clothing becomes too small. That outfit doesn’t fit. I hear “Mama my shoes are hurting”.

Then it hits me- BAM.

As I’m tidying their rooms and finding discarded toys that they’ve now grown out of. When the baby is getting her sister’s hand me downs and I can’t comprehend that they were last used over 5 years ago. 5 years!!!

Then it hits me- BAM.

As I walk into my eldest’s room whilst she’s sleeping and look around. I see Barbie’s, Monster High, Perfume, Roald Dahl books, real writing not squiggles. I see her fast asleep in a high sleeper bed. I see her school uniform ready for the next day.

Then it hits me- BAM.

When I look at that school uniform and think how it wont be long before she’s heading into year 2. YEAR 2! How her first day at school is long gone and the school run is the norm.

Then it hits me-BAM.

When that baby photo pops up on timehop. I start to reminisce and think of times gone by. Memories that I still feel too young to have as distant memories. Memories of a baby that are blurring with her baby sister’s memories. Memories that don’t feel like they happened six years ago. I look at pictures where at the time my eldest looked so grown up, but now she looks so young. Pictures where I was pregnant with the youngest before anyone knew. Pictures of me heavily pregnant with the youngest. Now she’s one and not even really a baby anymore.

Then it hits me- BAM.

Christmases, birthdays, Easters, holidays… Pretty much any celebration we’ve had.

Giggles are turning into laughter. Crawling is turning into walking and climbing. Words that have turned into sentences and stories. Nursery rhymes that have turned into chart songs and dance moves.
Each BAM is like I’ve been electrocuted. Volts running through my body. My heart. I feel a twist in my stomach and an ache of longing for time to just slow down.

So many days I’m just waiting for bedtime. I’m tired, I want a break and the pressure from every day is immense. But each day that I’m waiting and counting down the hours, I’m wishing time away that in a few weeks I want back. There has never been a truer quote than ‘the days are long, but the years are short’.

I think about my own childhood memories and where I was 10 years ago, 15 years ago. It makes me feel funny because although I don’t want to go back there, I can’t quite believe that time has passed so quickly. I think about old school friends and how my own daughter is making these memories of her own right now. I think about my parents and how they must feel to have grown up children and now grandchildren. I wonder if they feel the same as I do about time.
I think back to meeting my husband and how we spent our time before we had the girls. Our wedding day and each significant moment we’ve created together.

I find myself looking at my eldest daughter more and more and whilst my heart swells with pride, it also feels like someone’s squeezing it until its about to burst. I look at my youngest and see that fluffy haired baby morphing into her sister. I see me and my husband getting older. My parents and grandparents. Our friends.
Television programmes from when I was a teenager that are now played as the old shows- how I remember watching different old shows that are pretty much nonexistent now! Old songs that me and my friends hung out to, made mix tapes of, danced to at the Friday night disco. Changes in technology, phones, home décor.

Then I’ll hear a little voice or feel a little hand that will bring me back to the present and I remember that despite not wanting to say goodbye to today we still have lots more memories to make.

 

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